This attachment was sent to me in an email by another counselor. I felt it very useful to post here so that more of you may be benefited by discerning what zone you or your client is operating in most of the time. Let's focus on moving from fear to growth.
Domestic Abuse Intervention Project
202 East Superior Street
MN 55802exas 78756Duluth,
Produced and distributed by:4612 Shoal Creek Blvd. • Austin, T
512.407.9020 (phone and fax) • www.ncdsv.org
Love and Service Wheel was developed by myself to encourage positive behaviors in response to the Power and Control Wheel. The Duluth group has also developed an Equality Wheel, which I was unaware of at the time this wheel was developed. I believe both are helpful in pointing out the variance in the mindset of domestic predators and those of healthy people who desire to develop a loving relationship with their partner.
This tool was developed to assist those struggling to mature in realizing the developmental shifts that needs to take place to attain maturity.
In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul says that he was going to show the Christians there in Corinth the most excellent way to live…how to live in Love. In chapter 13, he then goes on to say that without love I am nothing and I gain nothing. Love is then described: 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 8 Love never fails.
The ability to love comes from a mature mindset. In verse 11 we read: “ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”
So we then have to draw two circles side by side. On the circle on the left write Child. On the circle on the right write adult.
A child is immature, weak, and committed to the self. A child is dependent on others to meet his or her basic needs.
Draw arrows coming into the child all around the circle. On the edge of each stem of the arrow write a different need that the child has. A child says:
· Dress me
· Feed me
· Comfort me
· Teach me
· Protect me
· Entertain me etc..(Can use whichever needs you want)
Then draw an arrow going out with squiggly lines on it indicating stress, anger… as the child says….And if you don’t give me what I want, when I want it, how I want it, in the way I want it, I am going to SCREAM, throw a fit, and make you see that I am displeased.
Living life like this for many years encourages the child to see themselves as a consumer. They become judgmental of the services they receive, and critical as how each is delivered to them and by whom it is delivered. They are impatient and demanding, and ungrateful for what they have. These tendencies have to be consistently confronted or we say that the child is spoiled. Yes children can reach out and give love from time to time, but predominantly self is in the middle of their life.
We can now complete the other circle. Immature must move to mature, weak becomes strong, the focus is on others not self. Dependence turns to independence, Consumer moves to producer and giver, and being judgmental and critical moves to patient, thankful and encouraging.
The arrows on the adult go out with one main arrow coming in. We must receive love from God, let it fill us, then open our arms and heart and mouth and give love to others. Who do we give to? We give love to children, to our spouse, to parents, friends, neighbors, co-workers, our boss, and customers. Yes sometimes other people hurt us, an arrow with a squiggly line coming in, and sometimes others bless us, another arrow plain coming in. But our perspective in life does not change as we focus on giving love to others in spite of the things we receive from people because our main source of love is God, and it is His love that we want to give to others. His love is pure, without strings, unconditional, and without end. Our love is impure, diluted, with strings, conditional, and limited to our strength and desire to give it. I would rather give God’s love to others.
This is our calling as our highest moral act of obedience to God as He commands us to love Him with our whole heart, mind and strength and then to love our neighbors as ourselves.
The problem we have in our society is that we don’t have a ceremony that says, “Today you have become a man, an adult. You must from now on, take on a mature mindset and live not for yourselves but for helping to meet the needs of others. You must learn to love. “
So we have many in their twenties struggling to identify what love is. Half of all the marriages in our society end in divorce. It is being challenged even as an appropriate way to live.
Strangely enough, the Bible states that in the last days, because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold (Matt 24:12).
So our giving into wickedness shows we have an immature perspective on life, and that we are not living in love.
When do you make this jump? When you choose to accept this mentality toward life and others as the way you will live. So the answer is today. Why not today? If not today, when? Five years from now? Ten? The choice is for each of us today. It is called maturity.
In the United States we lack such ceremonies which describe and encourage the shift from "childish ways" to more "adult ways" thus creating a generation that is postponing the conscious choice to embrace a mature mindset. Secondly, those caught in substance abuse nurture a childish mindset and expect others to fulfill the responsibility of helping others while they are mindfully absent and focused on pleasing themselves. Sobriety is needed to love others well.
This tool is used to help those with a negative view of self. They circle the positive characteristics they believe are lies about themselves and then write beside the ones they have circled what they say about themselves in their heads (these are the negative labels we put on ourselves or have received and embraced from others).
How we interpret our world, categorize things and people, is intricately linked to how safe, loved, capable, and responsible we feel we are as human beings. This positive view is not based on our own ability, but that of Christ’s if He indeed lives in us. When we feel helpless we need a helper. When we feel like a failure, we need a winner. When we feel stupid, we need one who is wise. When weak, we need someone who is strong. When we are lost, we need a guide. Of the things we think about, the world others, self, or God which one offers to be our helper, a winner, wisdom, strength, and guidance? Only God.
Listen to what Scripture says about Him:
Psm 118:7 - The Lord is with me; he is my helper. I look in triumph on my enemies.
Romans 16:27 - to the only wise God be glory forever through Jesus Christ! Amen.
Exodus 15:2 - “The Lord is my strength and my defense; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.
Psm 25:9 - He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
So when we do not have God in us, we live in fear of the world. We take on a negative view of self and are threatened by others.
But with God in us, we can relax in His love and rely on all that He is. He is able to give us all we need to make a difference, to love well, and to do the works that He has prepared for us to do. Do we believe it though. Take a moment to look at the following list of positive words. As you think about each one relating to you, circle the ones that come across as being untrue about you, as least some of the time.
Now look at the words that you circled. Write next to each one the word that comes into your head as you are impacted by the things around you negatively (it is usually the opposite as we tend to think this way).
Now I need to ask you a question. If you are a Christian, where is God in relationship to you? Here are some Scriptures that help us with this question:
Luke 17:21 - Neither shall they say, Look here! or, look there! for, behold, the kingdom of God is within you.(KJV)
Rom 6:11 - In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.
Acts 17:38 - For in him we live, and move, and have our being; as certain also of your own poets have said, For we are also his offspring.
Rom 8:9 - You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ.
I Cor 3:16 - Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you? (KJV)
Rom. 8:9 - You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ.
Phil 1:21 - For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.
Phil 2:13 - for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose. (NIV)
So where is God? In us if we are in Him.
Look at your list again. Of the words you circled, are they all true about God? About His character?
You have a choice then, to live according to the words going through your head that you wrote down, or live through the Spirit of Christ who is in you! Christ redeemed you so this could happen. That He could live in us, giving us everything we need to live life, not in fear, but in faith in Him. It is when we place our faith in Him, In His Spirit in us, that we have hope. Hope gives us the reason to think positively about the world we live in, and the relationships we have with others. Our identity in Christ defines how we view ourselves, and how we view God. It is up to you. Where is your identity found?
This worksheet helps clients clarify and acknowledge their beliefs about the World, Others, Self, and God. It connects them to how they came to believe, and helps them recognize the impact that their beliefs are having on them today.
This worksheet is part 4 Beliefs about God. When all the beliefs have been identified, they can be put on an organizer such as this and checked whether the belief is positive or negative, big or small. This informs clients of the big picture. Do they have a + or - mindset? Which beliefs are impacting behavior.